For Elle UK by Emily Malan

Has my life become boring?

In short: probably.

Getting messages from readers asking, “where have you been?” or “what are you wearing these days?” doesn’t really help matters too much, either. I know I’ve been missing and to be honest, I don’t really know if I want to be found.

With everything I’ve done in the past three years since first moving to New York City, it feels good to finally have a break. It wasn’t like I was some superstar but with all that was going on in my virtual world, plus school and interning, things were getting a little too hectic. When I first started opting for a night in with dinner and a movie instead of going to a press preview or like, the coolest party ever for x-brand, I felt pretty cruddy and was always asking myself, “is this harming my career?” (Whatever that means.)

Turning down events, turning down photo shoots, actually going to school instead of collaborating or going to coffee with x-brand(s)… It felt a bit like I was sabotaging myself.

At some point in the last year, I’ve done some soul searching (whatever THAT means), and I’ve realized that I don’t need all of this superficial shit (ie. parties, cool clothes, or collabs) to make me feel complete. I needed friends, something I didn’t have. I needed a stable and consistent learning environment, something I definitely did not have. And I really needed a hobby, that didn’t involve a computer. At some point in the last year, I’ve found all of that. And more. And I really, really couldn’t be happier. 

To the internet, my life has probably become boring. But to me, I’m finally in touch with myself. 

Helping Babe test out new software he’s developing 

Shooting with Elle UK tomorrow

I tell my Twitter more secrets than I’ll tell another human.

Found images from the first photo shoot I ever did. You’d probably never guess I’m only 13 here, oops. 

I lack a lot of confidence. Often. And when I look back at the times when I felt I lacked the most, I realize I had nothing to worry about because those were my most beautiful moments. Moments to grow and moments to learn to be real.

Lately, I’ve been lacking a lot. Trying to find out who I am, without the expectations or pressure put upon me from my industry or anyone who could potentially influence me one way or another.

Still learning. Still growing. And lacking.

upcoming work / this is what I look lately